Most of my watchers know that I lost my very best friend in a horrible auto accident over three years ago. Since that time my life has forever changed. For those of you who have lost someone very special and very close to you, I am sure you know how I feel. As hard as I try I am not the same person I was. I try to put on a good front and act as goofy, fun loving and happy as I was before his passing. But the truth is - a lot of that died with him.
I am forever surrounded by great friends and family, but there remains these dark, cold and empty spaces within my soul and heart. I question life a lot............ why do we do what we do each day (go through the motions)? Why do people make such a big deal or get so upset over the stupidest stuff. And then the big one............. when I am dead and gone - what did I accomplish? will I be remembered or missed (life goes on, the clock keeps ticking, and people get back to their routines). I know people who have lost a child at 14 years of age. I look and observe them as they do their daily task. How do they cope (they too seem normal as if nothing ever happened)? They have high aspirations and goals for their future, they seem to be living their life to the fullest.
So, am I crazy for still feeling the way I do? Why do I just not care about things like I use to? The little crap just does not bother me anymore, and if I were to pass on tomorrow I would be ok with that, I am ready and I am not afraid of death. His death has affected me in ways that I would have never imagined. Many things I wish I had done or told him. And with all the emptiness that is inside of me...... there must be a spot of loving warmth in there somewhere, because I still think of him Daily. The fun we had and the things we did. I have many best friends (if that's possible) but I believe that a friendship like we had comes around only once in a lifetime. Now he's gone and I will carry this emptiness inside of me until the day I die.
My photography seems to be my only outlet (which he also had a passion for). Those moments when I am taking or editing photographs are moments where I am at peace or I don't dwell on the things mentioned above even though I wonder at times when I am out photographing what creative and experimental photos we could of come up with if he were here.
Not sure how many people will understand all of this, but I will pray that you will never have to experience these feelings and thoughts that have haunted me for the past three years and I assume for the remainder of my life here.
I truly thank all of you for your comments and support over the years, that is the fuel and the reason why I remain here on DA (by the way, it was my dearest friend who first told me about DA and helped me set it up before he passed away).
It has now been five years and the feelings are still the same. Cherish, enjoy and love the good friends you have for we not know what the future holds for us.
I try not to dwell on the past, but we all have so much to learn from it. If you really think about it I am guessing most of you would agree.
Here's to a New Year my friends, make the best of what your given.